I Know But I Don't Know

The power of öööööööömmm
Share |

You can tell who the Arsenal fans are this week. They're the ones who have shaved each eyebrow into an umlaut, all the better to adorn their dreamy gazing upon Germany's World Cup qualifier against Austria. Arsène Wenger has finally ditched the limp, gotten into Kobayashi's car and spent big on a bona fide ace, Mesut Özil. Özil has damn near become a hero before he’s even travelled to London. The airspace above the moon is dense with Gooners, while Real Madrid supporters have been left confused and irritable, even more so than normal. It's almost enough to make you forget that Arsenal have still failed to sign the defender and centre-forward they need. Almost enough, too, to make you forget that earlier this summer, they had been very keen to spend what became the Özil money on Luis Suárez.

How things might have turned out had Liverpool’s doubly nippy striker made his way south has been left to scholars of the counterfactual. But where would they begin? When the gods of football play dice with the helpless schnooks below, in the manner of J. Henry Waugh, they have special provisions for when Suárez is on the field; he is an Extraordinary Occurrences Chart all by himself. Whatever will happen next? Will he spin a defender into a baffled standstill? Will he racially abuse an opponent and subsequently give it the “what, me, guv?”? Will he fashion a brace and an assist from dust? Will he leave a dental dent in a lad's arm? Will he create ten chances by himself, for himself, and miss them all? Will he shake down some kid in the front row for pennies and a 3DS and run to his teammates to relate the gleeful news? Will he win you the title with thirty goals, twenty beautifully wrought dives, and a shameless professional foul, then wedge a written request to join Real Madrid in the handle of the trophy?

Suárez may give the strong impression of being High King of the Shitehawks, but he does it with such enterprise and brio that you can’t help watching. He’s the Road Runner and Wile E. Coyote in one. He’s the pyromaniac kid who knows where to get you the best fireworks. Some of us might fancy ourselves as connoisseurs of the subtle, of the things a devotion to which denotes a finer sensibility, don’t you know. But Suárez is a reminder of sport’s capacity for the farcical and slapstickular. Surrender to the uncertain is at the heart of what watching sport is about, but there is much that works against this: almost every decision a coach makes is a bid for control; most players’ games strive for artisanship and reliability. Suárez is a ludicrous, broad-strokes example of what happens when these stabilizing forces get screwed with good and proper. With him, the sublime and the ridiculous are suspiciously never in the same room at the same time. Banish me to an exposed and barren hillside if you really must, but I get a kick out of watching him do something insane – insanely good, insanely bad, insanely morally reprehensible – and seeing everyone around him try and waft the smoke from what used to be their synapses. What’s more, I delight in the sheer possibility that something mad might happen. If you really want to surrender to the uncertain, you may as well go a substantial fraction of the hog. I don’t like Suárez, but I’m glad he’s there. I’ll take that any time (while duly pausing to lament his most excessive excesses) over a uniformity of admirable professionalism and more gentlemanly skulduggery.

Wait, did I say “any time”? Um …

When the initial stage whispers about Arsenal’s interest in signing Suárez were heard, it wasn’t hard to see the benefits. After all, it’s been a long-running gag that Arsenal are parched for want of a player or six of Suárez’s grade. And all teams need some devil in them. How hard can it be to let a supreme talent such as this work his dark magic on your downtrodden troop? What’s a little soul-selling between the desperate? Just lie back and think shiny thoughts, no?

But this Arsenal fan was terrified. This team is a delicate bouquet, and thoughts turned to the morbid, to worst-case scenarios that resembled Fr. Dougal doing a funeral. To be honest, even were they made of more robust material, Suárez-to-Arsenal would still be objectionable. That “Suárez is a glorious whatnot to the mundane such-and-such of quotidian blah-hoo” paragraph above is applicable when you consider Suárez in his proper context, i.e. as a fictional character.

But when he is in danger of a having more direct, fifty-times-a-year effect on the team you laughably call yours, he becomes all too real. When there’s a fourth wall between you and him, when it’s somebody else’s head he’s wrecking, you can enjoy the show without having to keep the clean-up team and shrink on speed dial. But with your club, it’s not uncertainty you’re after. Or at least the uncertainty you’re after is ideally of the delightful kind, not the delightful kind with a siren on top. There’s unpredictability, and there’s unpredictability. There’s a magical mystery tour, and there’s being bundled in the back of a van and dumped on a moonless byway. Comedy is when Luis Suárez plays for your team; tragedy is when he plays for mine.

As we know, the deal never happened, petering out on release-clause confusion and Liverpool pointing out that there’s actually a contract here with your signature on it, asshole. Instead, in has petered Mesut. Ol’ Mez. Sweet, darling Mezzer. As we become nicely squiffy on high-proof concoctions of the intoxicant called Hope, I can’t but wonder whether the feeling is intensified by the rush of escape from what might have been. Because whereas Suárez is trouble with a capital t, r, o, u, b, l and even, it’s been said, e, our Mezlington is no bother to anyone. Not only is his talent somewhere north of stonking, but he’s never done anyone a whit of harm. At least, he’s never bitten anyone nor employed a spot of, shall we say, tactical racism on behalf of the cause. While Arsenal fans wallow in untested smugness, Liverpool fans will soon have to face the return of their man from his latest suspension. How they’ve dealt these past few years with the sporting equivalent of having George Costanza marry into your family, I don’t know. Frankly, I don’t want to know. I’m away to stick my fingers in my ears and chant “öööööööömmm …”


Share |

Comments

You will find dissertation online sites via internet settle purchase not surprisingly well-known while in the web pages. hand writing service

Easily that good web page will clearly irrefutably regularly be well known in the midst of almost all publishing some sort of blog site individuals, mainly because conscientious information together with stories. essay hawks

Easily, the article is actually the best topic on this registry related issue. I fit in with your conclusions and will eagerly look forward to your next updates. Just saying thanks will not just be sufficient, for the fantasti c lucidity in your writing. I will instantly grab your rss feed to stay informed of any updates.
Hexa Trader

Great post! I am actually getting ready to across this information, is very helpful my friend. Also great blog here with all of the valuable information you have. Keep up the good work you are doing here.
tamil songs download

Thank you again for all the knowledge you distribute,Good post. I was very interested in the article. I like visiting you site since I always come across interesting articles like this one.Great Job, I greatly appreciate that.Do Keep sharing! Dofollow Blog Comments

You have done a great job. I will definitely dig it and personally recommend to my friends. I am confident they will be benefited from this site.
Adrian Gleave

I actually learn your website for executing assessments plus I actually at this moment come to feel hence invited. I actually appeared to be available a task to undertake your for your special crafting enterprise plus Photograph averting them. Maybe at this moment, together with the mindset you actually gifted people, I'll try it out. orange county washer repair

Máte strach, že by se mohly některé věci časem pokazit a vy byste si museli nachystat spousty peněz na jejich opravu? Kdo by tyto obavy neměl? U staveb od společnosti Nízkoenergetické zděné domy a dřevostavby na klíč, s.r.o. si můžete být jisti mimo již jmenovaných certifikací kvality i několika nadstandardními zárukami. Začít bychom mohli při jejich vyjmenování celkem 33 let trvající záruční dobou vztahující se ke střešnímu systému od tradičního výrobce pálené tašky Tondach. Jde o jedinečnou all inclusive lhůtu pojímající kompletně celé pokrytí střechy pálenými taškami. Na konstrukci vašeho nového domu získáte záruku v době trvání 10 let. V neposlední řadě musíme vypíchnout ještě záruku all inclusive na jakékoli obtíže, které by vás eventuálně mohly při bydlení v novém domku potkat.http://www.domy-drevostavby-na-klic.cz

Being a foreigner I was unsure what to go with. Either a desert safari or cruise. anyways I opted for safari tour. It was amazing it made my trip worth it

Wonderful, just what a blog it is! This blog has provided the helpful data to us continue the good work. I definitely enjoying every little bit of it. It is a great website and nice share. I want to thank you. Good job! You guys do a great blog, and have some great contents. Keep up the good work. 100% Manually, So your site is safe you can get all HQ links, that definitely increase your SERPs. 20 High Quality Backlinks gig Only for fiverr members just for 5$ WOww...high trust flow backlinks

That is why it is better that you should relevant research before writing. You will be able to write better post this way. online instant loan

When i simply want to inform you about that simply just look into your web site in addition to When i realize its incredibly useful in addition to beneficial.. One Touch Trader

I need lots of the reports, Prefer really liked, We want addiitional information regarding it, as it is relatively excellent., Regards just for stating. Jual Lenovo Thinkpad

An individual's mates are in general raging dedicated to a good solutions at the same time these days We find so why. bon de reduction

seo I really loved reading your blog. It was very well authored and easy to understand. Unlike other blogs I have read which are really not that good. visit this site hurry up waiting your order low obl unique domain Thanks alot! dofollow blog comments

I think my neighbour next door is Arsenal fan. He buy essays have trimmed his eyebrow into an umlaut. Thank you for the post I personally think it was helpful and pretty informative. I know but I don't know, well shared.

The nearness of the Internet can be felt all over the place. It offered ascend to Internet advertising, which has been extremely mainstream nowadays. 100 followers | clash of clan hack